Nauticool News

Harbourmaster celebrates 38 years at Lake Monroe Marina

AM Associated Mess -

The marina’s tall, good-looking wonder boy has just completed his 38th year. We hate to admit it but he's still here! As a precautionary measure, the marina has installed a breathing apparatus that automatically drops from the ceiling at anytime, sensors located in his chair, indicate any form of slouching. However, he said he had no time for chair work and headed out for a relaxing day on the river with some friends.

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The 5th Annual LMM Cattle Drive & Slumber Party was held June 18th at Brian Volk's 100 acres authentic working cattle spread for those who took their horseback riding seriously. Guests rode under the watchful eye of big game and experienced the wilderness solitude of Brian's backyard. For the rafting enthusiasts, Brian's river basin boasted the finest selection of white water runs in the state and were only minutes away from wildflower hikes, fly fishing, bike trips and jeep tours. "I was at Brian's house and discovered an ancient Indian site, dinosaur bones and found an unusual geological formation right next to his house. Florida's best kept secret," Cheryl Deck, Deltona.

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Lake Monroe Fish Report by Wagner

Recent reports of fish being seen in Lake Monroe have been verified by Lake Monroe's very own, going to Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University, David Wagner, aka David Wagner. On a recent flyby David swears he saw at least ten speckled perch. However, an eyewitness claims the plane popped one on the head while landing, thus reducing the fish count to nine. As this report filtered throughout Sanford, hundreds of fishermen are expected to try their luck at landing the seaplane. For further updates on the Lake Monroe Fish Report or the latest in new fly-fishing techniques, call the Pros of Monroe at:

1-AIR-WAGNERS

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Sailing Vessels You Should Know

Ketch	A fast moving two-masted fore-and-aft rigged sailing vessel with a mizzen mast stepped aft of a taller mainmast but forward of the rudder.
Schooner	A faster moving sailing vessel with two or more masts, all of which are fore-and aft-rigged.
Yawl	A slow moving sailing vessel, usually caught by a ketch but sooner by a schooner.

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Environmentally Sound

Familiarize yourself with a few of these nationally known sewage pumpout signs.

	5 Bucks plus tip.
	Hook the inlet hose here, the discharge hose there, the vent here and I'll stand over there.
	NO! - I'll stand over there.
	Warning! See what happens when you don't wear gloves - your arm falls off.
	TURN IT OFF! LEAK!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

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Boating With Bobbitt

Top three things probably said after a fishing trip with Lorena Bobbitt

You were right - it didn't float!
If you see calm waters near marker 8 broken by circled ripples around a dark spot that looks like a purple worm - it's mine!
You should have seen the big one that got away...

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Harbour Classifieds

01 VESSELNALS

ATTRACTIVE SINGLE WHITE FEMALE - 35 footer desires long-term commitment. Must enjoy the outdoors and anchored nights. Dynamite personality! Smokers need not reply, I'm a fuming gasaholic. BoatAd3382

ADVENTUROUS LADY - Are you tired of sandbars and rainy nights? I'm a 30 footer with an enclosed cabin and loaded with toys. BoatAd6712

GORGEOUS GAL - 40 feet of exciting lines with excellent health. I love having my bottom cleaned and my lower unit checked by someone that knows what they're doing. BoatAd9023

OLD BUT UNIQUE - Not much action for this 25 footer but I can still keep it up. Sank only once! looking for a boater with a sense of humor. BoatAd3288

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If you have a question? - He has the answer!

Dear Huggablebaldy - I have a stern drive boat which is kept in the water on Lake Monroe. How often should I inspect my outdrive for corrosion and what is wrong with your eyes? Signed: James T. Anode

Dear Mr. Anode - Since your aluminum outdrive is accessible to galvanic corrosion, creature eaters and unknown water things, I recommend that you haulout and inspect every 4-6 months. In technical terms, Lake Monroe registers 1050 millivolts with a positive accelerator. Your outdrive contains 83% ASTM B418 iodinestic metal with a deterioration factor producing a negative compounded charge of 3% shielding at 350 milliamperes with a corrosion factor of 3.28 on the COR_1984 Monitor Scale. This accounts for corrosion in a brackish environment. As for my eyes - This is a direct corollary of rheumatoid arthritis of the Rhinencephalon, which is the olfactory region of the brain, located in the cerebrum. This causes nitrogen-fixing bacteria of the genus that forms nodules on my optic nerve causing an unnatural look.

Dear Huggablebaldy - I was fishing on the St. Johns River and caught a 5lb shrimp with a paisley design on the shell. I never seen one of these before but it sure did taste good. I have enclosed a picture of me holding up my great catch. I would like to have this picture returned so I placed my address on the back of the photo. Do you know where I might be able to buy some more? Signed: William Stupere

Dear Mr. Stupere - Thanks for writing in to Ask HuggableBaldy, the world leader in abnormal advice. The 5lb shrimp with a paisley design was actually a whirlgig beetle originated from the gyrinidae family. The whirlgig beetle was the making of cross-cloning between a suborder natantia and a homothallic blow fish. Unfortunately, the whirlgig beetle made the endangered species list in 1993 and I believe the U.S. Wildlife Preserve Society is looking for you as I speak. So best of luck to you.

Dear Huggablebaldy - I enjoy boating on Lake Monroe in the evening but in the summer I get attacked by those nasty mosquitoes. They're always in my hair and becoming quite a nuisance. What can a girl do? Signed: Susan Upsettie

Dear Ms. Upsettie - The next time you're cruising the lake at night - get MAD! (Monroe After Dark) - the shampoo that makes it easy to wash those mosquitoes from your hair, or just get MADDER!! (Monroe After Dark Deterrent Evening Rinse) - just spray it on and forget it. No more scrubbing or rinsing those nasty mosquitoes from your hair. It's also great for minor scratches, jock-itch or as a bacteria-fighting mouthwash. Getting MAD is easy to get by calling this toll free number - 1-GET-MAD-HERE.

Dear Huggablebaldy - I have a new boat and was wondering if it was a good idea to buy a marine VHF radio? Signed: Lester Shortwave

Dear Mr. Shortwave - A VHF radio would be a good investment and necessary should a problem arise while out on the water. Picture this - You're cruising along when one of your passengers becomes nauseated from reading Lucarell's Nauticool News. You know you must contact an English teacher immediately but you're without a radio. It may be hours before help arrives and by now bad grammar has spread to everyone aboard. Don't take the chance! Invest in a good marine radio.

Dear Huggablebaldy - How I ever came to find this site is beyond me, but it has brought about a startling revelation. HuggableBaldy's picture is the spitting image of my wife's' first husband and we thought for sure he was still being held at Chattahoochee. Have you ever been in this institution and have you by some remote chance been released???? If the answer is yes, please contact me at BR-549, I would very much like to return your wife to you !!!!

Dear Mr. BR-549 - I usually don’t like talking about this but the fact is my twin brother Lester Baldy was in the Chattahoochee institution. He was released last year and often talks about his ex-wife Larson, the love of his life. I think he’ll be relieved that you’re in possession of this fine lady and the possibility of making contact convalesces his pulsating inner ear disorder.

Do You Have A Question?

The Lucarell Nauticool Dictionary

No definition in this Dictionary is to be regarded as affecting the validity of any trademark

Vesseligamist - A person that owns more than one boat.

Boatlash - The abrupt movement of ones own body, when the captain, pulling away from the dock forgets to untie that last dock line.

Following Sea - Suggestive of paranoia; Showing unreasonable distrust aboard ship.

Flying Bridge - Unidentified flying object of an unknown nature. A few captains under the influence swear they have seen one of these.

Echo Piloting - A crude method of determining the depth of the water by throwing the first mate overboard and hearing him or her yell how deep it is.

Boom Vang - An audible discharge of intestinal gas.

Dead Reckoning - The estimated drift of a boom vang.

There is literally no end to the list of boating terms found in the Lucarell Nauticool Dictionary and I know you'd like to own one soon. Stay tuned for an exciting offer that will change your ways and make you a better boater. As you gain experience in this form of recreation, your vocabulary will broaden proportionately and naturally. It is hoped, however, that your enthusiasm for boating will not cause you to toss indiscriminate Avasts, ahoys, and Belays into every conceivable nook and corner of your conversation. Also, strained efforts to effect a thunderous boom vang are conspicuously inappropriate.

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How to Fight Boat Sickness, by Luke Lucarelli

If you're a queasy boater, there are some alternative anti-sickness options that may help settle your stomach. Luke Lucarelli, M.D. (Monroe Dockmaster) who wrote Traveling on a Bum Knee, suggests these 532 strategies to fight boat sickness.

1) If someone aboard is about to get sick - turn up the stereo which is a great way to block out the gagging, retching, gurgling sounds produced by the afflicted person.

2) Concentrate on a distant point such as Capella and listen to Don't Cry for Me Argentina. The star Capella can be seen most nights at 31 degrees 50 minutes and its azimuth is 316 degrees. Of trifling interest at best is the meaning of its Latin name.....little she-goat.

3) Hang onto your equilibrium by avoiding aspirin, tranquilizers, alcohol, back flips and aerobic work out tapes.

4) Induce vomiting by staying out on deck and singing Super Freak by Rick James. If you can't remember the words, Son of a Son of a Sailor will do just fine.

5) Try applying pressure to the arm pit without making that funny quacking boom vang sound. This will help alleviate nausea.

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Boating Classes Announced

The University of Lake Monroe is currently taking applications for their Spring Term in Signage 101. This $50 course is designed to alert the boater and protect the manatee. The University of Lake Monroe now offers a quiz that you can take in the comfort of your own home. We encourage you to take this test before leaving the dock. It is our wish that you become more aware of the regulatory zones that you will encounter and the specific regulations of each.

Instructions: Circle your answer on the two questions below. No eraser marks!

Manatee Zone - Slow Speed

A) An area where boats must be completely off plane, has settled into the water and is proceeding without a wake or with minimal wake.

B) A reminder that it will take another day to reach Hontoon State Park 17 miles away.

Manatee Zone - Don't Move

A) An area frequently inhabited by manatees requiring caution by boaters to avoid disturbing or injuring the manatee.

B) An area frequently inhabited by biologists requiring caution by manatees to avoid ganging up as not to be miscounted.

If you answered (B-B and laughed) you shouldn't of. It will seem like it will take an extra day to get to Hontoon State Park.

If you answered (A-A) give yourself 100 points. ( Go Manatees)

If you answered (A-B or B-A) you probably know a person that has schizoid behavior that resembles schizophrenia in the tendency to autistic thinking but remains within the limits of normality.

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DOGGONE, by Venal Lucarelli

One dog day afternoon, I found myself face to face with a dogmatist boater named David "Doggie" Dodger who quickly pointed out to me the dog stuff littered along the walkway just past the dogleg on Pier B. "Dog Poop!" yelled Dodger, with his voice becoming more dogmatized. Again he said, "What are you going to do about this ever increasing problem on these docks!" I quickly summoned the marina's dogsbody and had the dock hosed off.

"How's that Doggie, any better now?" I said, referring to the clean dock. He replied that his dog died yesterday and not to interfere with his personal life. "That's it..." I said, and soon found myself engaged in a dogfight with Mr. Dodger. "Take That..." he said and threw me into the water. Gasping for air I started to yell and attempted to dog paddle to safety. I tried but couldn't get the attention of a nearby boater who was dognapping. I said to myself, I have a dog's chance in hell in reaching safety but I just wouldn't give up. Dog-tired and wet, I reached for the dock and pulled myself up right into a pile of mountainous looking stuff

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Provolone, by Zombie Lucarelli

It was 500 years ago that Christopher Columbus sailed into the unknown. His four ships, later know as - Quatro Cinco - The Nina, Pinta, Lucarelli, and the Santa Marie, carried the intrepid sailors through storms and starvation to what was to become the New World. Local historians have discovered documents dating back to 1502 when Columbus stayed at his summer home in Osteen. Chris often traveled to the peaceful surrounding of Sanford to visit local merchants and buy a few things from time to time. For safe keeping Chris would place them in his secret chest. "You can't never have enough front-end alignment coupons with the roads the way they are," replied Chris. His car, a 1497 Pinto XL Sedan, named after one of his ships was always in the shop.

Then the nightmare began. His estranged wife, Nina Maria Lucarelli Columbus had stolen his secret chest. It was a rainy day that July 11, 1502, when Nina loaded up the Apparent Wind and headed towards the haunted island of Nipplewort near Butchers Bend. Nina knew they would be safe there because no one would venture near there, not even Chris. As night fell, the crew sang and danced. They were all there - Jimmy Tall, Brainy Joe, Wild William and Nina. They were all at ease and drinking plenty of BUD BROWN, a popular Lake Monroe beverage. Then all of a sudden Brainy Joe yelled out - "PROVOLONIES!" No, he wasn't hungry!! A band of tourist from Palatka. Later captured and delirious from drinking too much Bud Brown, Nina would scream out for no reason. The worried Provolonies were afraid that this crazy woman would release Rattani, the local cheese eater and evil spirit of the Provolonies. Fearful, Cheddar Cheescracker, the tribal leader, sought help from Vann Shakowski, the Provolonies tour guide. Some 200 years earlier, Rattani was evicted from his home on this island for making faces at passing Provolonies. Before Nina was captured, she buried the chest. To this day, the secret chest has not been recovered.

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How I Spent My Summer Vacation,

by Peegori Lucarelli

There is always something said about the open road. Onward and upward to that great State of Pennsylvania. I was making this trip to seek old friends, family and with some luck find some smooth roads through Pennsylvania. To boldly go where I haven't been in years...The alignment shop. On my return to Meadville, some of my old friends have passed away and my family moved... Bummer vacation, I should have called. Nevertheless, the trip did me some good and I continued to spread the rumor about my affair with actress Sharon Stone.

On my return to Florida I stopped off to do a little whitewater rafting. Made famous by the movie Throw Away The Anchor, starring Richard Egan, the Twin Nostril on the upper St. Johns River has a wild and intimidating character. I paddled through rapids with colorful names like Broken Nose, Bloody Nose and Snot Nose. I even took a trip down the famed Ugh Nasal. Locals call the Ugh Nasal, The Rio de Las Pharyngeal, "River of the Runny Nose," where the river thunders down past constricting boulders and over steep drops. For me this was the ultimate whitewater challenge.

If you would like to take this trip....get your VISA Card ready....because when you run the Ugh Nasal, you won't have time to read Schenhiser's Theory on Modern Marine Plumbing and they don't take American Express.

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A Boy Named Sally, by Lambrusco Lucarelli

Suppose you had an evil double, an inhuman twin who could act on all your most perverse, secret desires. Something strange and unnatural is happening in a once-peaceful waterfront community of Sanford. A lowlife is preying on women, and all clues point to the town's harbourmaster. Barbara Whelan, a former beauty queen is blackmailed with photos of a sexual binge she cannot remember. Joe Bridgebain still suicidal over the death of Brian Volk's pet cow Sally. His constant nightmares of seeing himself pressing his knife deep into Sally's torso until Sally was dead. The remembrance of that nauseous odor like rotting unwashed socks in a packed gym. The camera crews jockeying for position, the radio personalities asking questions more for show than information, the reporters picking over the wording of Joe's statement. It was like vultures fighting over a carcass. And at the center of it all is Lester Lucarelli, my nauseating twin brother, a young reporter for the Venal Gazette, who senses, despite all logic and common sense, that not only is there a hellish conspiracy behind all these bizarre and menacing events, but that he himself may be the source of a demonic evil beyond all mortal comprehension or else its ultimate victim or yet another run-on sentence. Only Lester sees the terrible truth behind the horror in his town, but how can he convince anyone that he is not going insane when he can't even be sure of that himself.

The tragic end of Brian's pet cow was laid to rest among friends and family after suffering a tragic death. The road to Sally's monument curved through a thicket of trees, up a hill, and around a stable and barn. A sleek white canopy, trimmed in dark blue, sat over a granite headstone with the wording - Gone For Good.

Joseph Bridgebain struggling for control of his emotions during the ceremony. Joe went for treatment and counseling at St. Luke's Monastery - where he has found peace.